Oh my memory.... It's so bad. It's funny how terrible my short term memory is getting BUT that will be fixed with the surgery (hopefully). If the seizures stop, the memory should improve. There is a slight chance that my memory won't get fixed, and it will in fact be worse in regards to "spacial memory". When I asked what that meant, they said "You might forget where you put something or you might forget how to get somewhere" which is stuff I'm doing already because of the epilepsy- or as my hilarious friend and coworker put it "That's called adulting". SO, we will see what the future holds. FINGERS CROSSED!
As excited as I am for this procedure and as amazing as it sounds.... THEY ARE PUTTING A LASER IN MY BRAIN.
As we get closer and closer to the date of the surgery- actually, as we get closer to the pre-op appointment, I am starting to get anxious. It's so weird to think about. Especially when they say things like "Well, you'll just be in the hospital overnight."
Oh really? That's all? Overnight? You are putting a laser IN MY BRAIN and I'm just going to sleep it off and you are sending me on my way? OK! Great.... So... That's.... WHAT?!
This spring brings a lot of changes for me. Usually I coach my daughters softball team. I have been doing that since she was old enough to play. This year, obviously I can't. Last year was tough for me. That was when the seizures really started to come on fast and strong and I missed the last few games. This year, I'll have to sit it out and watch from the bleachers and try my best not to "coach" from the side. My daughter is having a hard time understanding why I'm not coaching this year. The kids have a hard time understanding, as great as they handle it when they see me have a seizure, they still don't comprehend that I'm not 100% Me anymore. Why can't I drive them somewhere, why can't I coach, why can't I chaperone the field trip, etc.... Softball is going to be hard.
I also have to step back from my position at work to allow time for mental preparation before the surgery... and obviously for rest and healing afterward. Plus, my seizures are way more frequent and out of control right now and it's been too hard to focus on work. So stepping back just makes sense. I know March 28th will be here before I know it, but I feel like Spring without coaching or working will be such a weird thing for me, normally I'm running around like a crazy person going straight from work to the softball fields. And now I'm just going to be resting.... and I don't know if you can tell from previous posts but I kind of suck at resting. I need to really learn how to focus on me, which is something I've never been able to do. Ever.
As I've said countless times in my other blogs and my Facebook posts, my bosses are amazing people and they were so understanding and supportive. And my coworkers are like family and they are such great people. I've never felt so at home at a work place. They were all incredible when I told them about my epilepsy and they were champs when they witnessed me have a seizure- I was embarrassed, but they were wonderful. So stepping away is hard, but when you are trying to work and your brain feels like an invisible fist is trying to punch it's way through your skull and then your chest tries to explode.... It makes it really difficult to stay on task. So then you sleep all day. And then probably the next day. And when you get to the point that you are only clocking in like 12 hours for 2 weeks, you know your body just isn't up to the task. And that's not fair to anyone.
I am having a hard time finding people to talk to out there in my support groups who have had this sort of surgery. I am hoping that I will be able to post about my experience and that I can be that person for someone later on down the line when they are looking for someone.
I am starting to get to the "What's going to happen to my hair?" weird stage of panic... I know they're going to have to shave part of it. But a big part? I already have part of it shaved, so should I shave it again or MORE of it to save them the hassle? Should I get a pixie? Should I order some cute bandanas and scarves so I can cover up the stitches and staples when I go out? If I keep my hair long will I accidentally brush the staples? WEIRD QUESTIONS are popping into my head because of my anxiety and they come on just as randomly and rapidly as they just did in this blog. And I want to be able to post about the answers to these questions so that later on, if someone like me, is searching for these answers, they can maybe stumble onto my blog and see that I panicked over these random questions too and that I found the answers. I'm going to ask at my pre-op on March 8th and hopefully the doctor will be able to answer the questions for me. I am a little worried that he will have a doctor's optimism though- "Minimally invasive" to me the first time we spoke, meant I would have those stitches that just dissolve and disappear on their own.... but then I spoke with his assistant last week and she made me call my doctor down here to make sure he was comfortable removing the STAPLES from my head to save me the drive all of the way up there for just a 5 minutes appointment. So... you know- Doctors optimism vs patient reality. If I ask about the scar size and he tells me it's going to be very minimal and hardly noticeable, etc. is that the truth? Or will I be super self conscious about it? I can't find anything about it online, so I will have to wait and see what is said. For now, I have a lot of cute scarves in my Amazon cart.
I have 49 days until my surgery. I am 2 days seizure free. And 100% terrified.
